Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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