Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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