My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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