Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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