Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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