Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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