So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize