Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
