I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
