I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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