she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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