gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
