how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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