finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
