i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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