Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize