It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
