I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize