Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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