once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
