I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sorry about my life...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
