apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
