smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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