Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
