i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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