it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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