That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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