Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
