so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
