Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
