When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
