we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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