Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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