Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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