Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
