did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
