apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
