if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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