it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You are the jesus of drinking
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
