I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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