I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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