wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
