I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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