i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
