I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
