Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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