I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
