ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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