He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize