everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
