Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
