Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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