I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
