I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
