Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
