You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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