If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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