I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize