My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
