I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
no you cant smoke seaweed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Randomize
