I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
