he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
