So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
