first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
