morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
