My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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