i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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